But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
