wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
