"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
