Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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