Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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