It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
