I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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