I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
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My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
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I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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