dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
