If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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