i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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