I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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