I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
