Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
