4 words: hood of his car
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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