shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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