I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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