Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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