I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
