Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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