I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
we're so committed to being not committed
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