apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
