I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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