You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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