I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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