Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
