Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
