soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This is the high leading the old right now
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
