I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Randomize
