My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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