You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
