then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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