the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
