I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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