I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
