My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
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i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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