mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
