you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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