So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
