Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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