addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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