Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
