Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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