Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
