3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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