i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
