She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
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That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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