the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
