I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
