At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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