I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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