I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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