I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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