I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
