New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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