This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
