Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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