my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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